"My Economy Terrible."

That's what my Japanese karate teacher used to say whenever there was a lot of talk about the larger economy taking a downturn.  We were very close with him from about 1974 to 1987, which encompassed at least a couple of recessions.  He also used to play on the meaning of the word kara te -- "empty hand" (like kara oke is "empty orchestra") -- by saying "Empty hand, empty pocket." 

That resounds in my head when I think about why I feel so unscathed, almost untouched, by the economic anxiety that's so much in the news and in the air right now.  Yes, I'm affected by the price of a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk (about the same), and by the slowdown of work because ad buys are down and magazines are thinner.  But my mood is unshaken.  Make no mistake, that's in large part because I have an extraordinary family that won't let me fall into the abyss.  But another part of it is that when you're already on the bottom, you can't fall.  And at the bottom of the sea, you're barely aware of even ferocious storms above. 

I don't have a house to lose, or much of a "lifestyle" to unaccustom myself to.  The economic downturn isn't going to change much of anything for me; I'm already there.  I buy marked-down food, and clothing for a few dollars at Wal-Mart and thrift shops.  (But then, Chapel Hill's PTA thrift shop is insane; they sell designer outfits for seven dollars.)  I don't have either the opportunity or the habit to spend money on pleasures like dining, travel, and transportation ("I love our van," J said the other day about our faithful desert-camouflage-colored, battered, rust-bitten 1989 vehicle, bought on eBay for about $2000 including shipping, which we really should armor and donate to the military as stealth transport for Iraq or Afghanistan).  My main expenses are communications and incontinence supplies.  And debt management. 

I look at the ads on TV and think it's almost un-American to live this way (except for the debt, of course; that's American as apple pie, though paying it off is a bit old-fashioned).  I also think that this degree of disinterest in material possessions and appearances is the ultimate luxury of a secure upbringing, a richly inner-furnishing education, and a task like caregiving that dwarfs the inessential.

Yet my karate teacher shared it, and he was the self-educated son of an alcoholic charcoal burner from North Japan.  I think he found his security in deep-rooted traditions of idealistic vagrancy in a society that fed its beggar-monks and would not let anyone starve.  He was sustained by a romantic notion of himself as a penniless artist (the emphasis fell there even more than on "martial") and wandering samurai.  Strange that we came to a similar freedom and luxury from such different directions.  I miss him.

Comments

[Ron]

I've been in such dire straits economically for soooo long, I'm not even sure what it would mean to say, get a new car, or buy anything that isn't necessary at the moment, having foregone so many things that were! (Ugh. Immanuel Kant would have written that sentence, if he weren't like, dead, and stuff)

I still suffer some of this; but wow, some days it feels like I'm a guy emerging from a Dostoevsky novel.

"I call my pain, 'my dog'." Nietzsche, showing familiarity with pain...

These whirling electrons we maneuver are what keep me going...

BTW, Ginger Rogers would have been 97 yesterday...

[Donna B.]

Confined in a doctor's waiting room yesterday I watched a news segment where callers told what they'd give up (or absolutely NOT give up) in hard financial times.

I just shook my head. Those people had no idea what was important. I'll grant that most of them were probably just trying to be cute or funny.

Sure, I'll hang on to this internet connection as long as I can, but family, food, and shelter are all that really matter.

[Outis]

There are two groups in our country that are truly independent: The independently wealthy and the independently poor. Everyone else is stuck on the modern treadmill, trying to keep up and hoping to God whoever running the thing doesn't decide on interval training.

I also think that this degree of disinterest in material possessions and appearances is the ultimate luxury of a secure upbringing, a richly inner-furnishing education, and a task like caregiving that dwarfs the inessential.

This reminds me of something from a Thomas Harris novel:

Dr. Lecter amused himself - he has extensive internal resources and can entertain himself for years at a time. His thoughts were no more bound by fear or kindness than Milton's were by physics. He was free in his head.

[amba]

Ahh, a fellow Hannibal Lecter connoisseur.

[Outis]

Well, of the Hannibal in the first two books in any event. I'm STILL undecided about the third book although I think I'm coming around to not liking it. For one thing I still don't buy the ending and for another I think I preferred NOT knowing about his background.

[realpc]

I don't have rich relatives, so it's up to me to survive. Not having savings would terrify me so I hope my bank accounts are safe.

My life is very un-American. I have a cell phone that's over 2 years old, so you can't buy the battery in stores. My TV is from the 1980s, and I walk or bicycle whenever possible.

But I have absolutely no interest in being poor. None. I have been and I never want to be again. Of course we don't control a lot of things, but we do control some.

Caregiving can easily drive you into poverty. I made a very conscious decision not to sacrifice my career to be a caregiver for my mother, who is senile. I have to face constant guilt, pressure and worry, and harsh judgement from society. I do what I feel is reasonable, but it's never enough.

As long as this situation continues I will have to fight despair. For almost my whole life I always had hope and confidence, and goals. I never gave into despair for a minute. I still have hope and confidence and goals, but society is constantly constantly pressuring me to be a good woman and give up everything.

It's impossible to feel good about myself. I am hard-working, responsible, educated. But that does not count. A woman also has to be self-sacrificing. You can't sacrifice a little or some, you have to sacrifice ALL, or you are selfish and no good.

The underlying assumption is that I have someone -- a husband, relatives -- to catch me if I fall. I don't. I am constantly at war with society now.

[Charlie (Colorado)]

It's impossible to feel good about myself.

No it isn't.

[realpc]

"No it isn't."

Yes it is. Yes I have heard the advice that we should just ignore what people think about us. But if the great majority of people think you are doing something wrong, that means you can't confide in anyone without being judged.

If I talk to someone who is a mother of young children she will say "Well I hope my kids will be happy to take care of me if I ever become old and disabled." They don't even seem to consider that their kids might have careers and families to support, and that caregiving for an old disabled person is more than a full time job.

So if I want to ignore what people think I can't confide in anyone.

The only person who seems to understand is my sister, because she is in a similar predicament -- working full time, no rich husband or parents to help her. But if I complain too much it creates tension between us so I have to be really careful.

I tell my brother how I feel but he is very far geographically and probably wishes I were willing and able to do more than I have been.

I feel like I have done an awful lot. But there is always someone who has done much more, and has suffered terrible consequences.

I want to feel like I do enough, but I don't want the terrible consequences. I don't feel like I deserve it, having worked hard and saved money and not been a typical American. I did everything to not be like my mother.

Of course I love my mother and don't like having the judgmental feelings I sometimes have towards her. And I don't want her to feel neglected by her kids.

It's one big no-win situation. And you have to care what people think. Anyone who says they don't care is in denial. We are not islands, and our survival depends to some extent on the approval and acceptance of others.

[realpc]

Our moral codes all focus on restricting our natural instincts for selfishness. So when we try to figure out the moral response to a situation all the cultural wisdom tells us to deny our selfish impulses.

That's ok I guess if we have powerful self-preserving instincts. But a lot of us, especially women, are too focused on others and don't care enough about their own welfare. So when society pushes us towards a pit of self-sacrifice we tend to jump right in.

Then there is the self-help movement which tells us the opposite -- we deserve happiness, don't let others push us around, I'm ok you're ok, etc.

We can go all one way or all the other, or get caught somewhere in the middle. That's where I am now -- constantly having to weigh and deliberate. It is exhausting. And all the compromising doesn't give you peace of mind, because compromise means no one gets exactly what they want.

I have not seen one single helpful bit of advice on this problem, and have been looking for at least the past 15 years.

[RW Rogers]

I was sorry to read what you wrote, realpc, primarily because it seemed to me that you are at war with yourself, not society.

[realpc]

"I was sorry to read what you wrote, realpc, primarily because it seemed to me that you are at war with yourself, not society."

Then why don't you say what you would do, or have done, in this situation? I have noticed the subject is taboo and people want to pretend they will never have to face it.

[Donna B.]

I have faced the situation and it wasn't pretty. My mother would not allow for me to care for her.

I had what you do not, a husband and relatives for my own support, yet my mother refused saying she didn't want to disrupt my life.

This attitude of hers came about because her own mother was cared for at her sister's home for years and Mom saw what it did to their family. (My grandmother was unable to voice any opinion of her own due to a stroke.)

So, you see not everyone will think you're doing "less" than you "should."

I think what RW Rogers is saying (and if so, I second him) is that your war is with self-inflicted guilt more (or at least equal to) that inflicted by social contacts.

It seems you sincerely wish you could do more than you can, that you feel you should do more.

As for the idiots that say they hope their children want to care for them, I say How Selfish!

I am grateful that I have a role in my grown children's lives, but my goal was that they have their own lives and care for themselves and my grandchildren.

Because I helped my father care for my ailing stepmother (years after my mother died) I can tell you that raising a child is not nearly as difficult or time-consuming as caring for a frail, disabled elderly person.

[amba]

real: this might be good advice -- "love thy neighbor as thyself." That presumes it's good to love yourself. It doesn't say "love thy neighbor instead of thyself."

Moshe Feldenkrais used to advice people to "love thyself as thy neighbor" to counteract the effects of our constantly having it drummed into us that self-sacrifice is the sum total of virtue.

Also from the Jewish rabbinical tradition --

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

If I am only for myself, what am I?

And if not now, when?

Buddha also recommended the middle way in all things.

I think you have found the middle way. You are doing a lot for your mother and still protecting yourself. That's really how it should be, so don't let people who probably wouldn't sacrifice themselves when the chips were down tell you you should.

[Donna B.]

con't...

I often wonder how Amba does what she does. She inspires me, yet makes me wonder if I will be able to do the same for my husband. He's 13 years older than me, so it's likely to happen.

Also, I wanted to say that I think the obligation between a husband and wife exists where between children and parents, it doesn't

[RW Rogers]

Donna B's interpretation of my comment is accurate. I have had similar struggles with myself as I tried to act as caregiver for my chronically ill dad while my mom was hospitalized for two months with Guillain-Barré Syndrome. As I was not a success, and he died the day after she came home, I carry around an inordinate amount of guilt about it. That is my problem however, and not the result of societal expectations, or those of my siblings.

All I can suggest is that you continue doing what you can do without destroying your own life in the process, either by doing more than you are capable of or endless fretting about not doing enough. Take comfort in what you CAN do rather than seek it down an unrealistic path. Neither you nor your mother will be well-served if both your livelihood and health vanishes in the process of caring for her. I doubt this makes any difference, but I've answered your question to the best of my ability at this time.

[realpc]

Thank you for the answers. Yes I am trying to be moderate and rational about this, but that has required too much exhausting thought and deliberation.

I guess what I always end up falling back on is my faith in the infinitely intelligent universe (which I privately call my god). I have noticed, repeatedly, that the timing of things just works out. If I have to do something for my mother, things are slow at work, and vice versa.

I have been complaining and agonizing like a maniac the past couple of months. I was afraid that if I don't moan and whine my siblings would take advantage and expect me to do everything. To some extent that might have worked, but it makes me miserable.

I don't want to be overly gracious. At one point my sister called me a saint and that made me crazy. I don't want to be a saint.

It's all a precarious balancing act. After all the problems I have overcome in my life I feel like now I deserve a nice rest. Well not so fast.

And then of course when I think of the heroic efforts Amba makes every single day I feel so lazy and ungrateful.

But we each have our own capabilities. There is a saying that God never gives us more trouble than we are capable of handling at any time, and I believe that.

I have to feel completely different emotions all at the same time. Fear and grief that my mother could die soon, guilt that I have not been good enough to her, resentment that she doesn't have the money that would make this all so much easier, anger that my sister and brother are far enough away to not feel any guilt.

I also have to admit that we have been very fortunate with the social services my mother qualifies for. She might even be better off without any money.

[Donna B.]

Real: I think no matter what you do, guilt that you did not do enough will be with you. It is with me, for both my mother and stepmother. Try not to give the guilt too much space to expand. I very well know that is much easier said than done.

As for your brother and sister, they are probably feeling their own brand of guilt. Perhaps calling you a saint is a way for them to try to assuage their guilt for not being there.

Frankly, money doesn't make it that much easier. Money was never an issue in caring for my stepmother or my mother. Money gives you the option to put your own life on hold, perhaps but that still may not be the best thing for you or your mother.

Really, every situation is different, and no one outside the situation should make judgments that you take seriously.

Even mine, no matter how reasonable it is ;-)

Also, I want to clarify that the marriage vow -- the in sickness and in health thing -- makes a huge difference in the obligation between husband and wife and the one between parent and child. My children took no vow to support me, I brought them into this world and all that is owed is to them, not me.

Yet even knowing that I owe my children much more than they owe me, taking care of myself is a large part of that. I could not have raised them properly had I ignored my own needs.

Heed Amba's advice.

Take care, real... you are stronger than you may think.

[RW Rogers]

My suggestion in response isn't meant to be harsh, so I hope it doesn't come across that way:

First, Decide what you can do and do it. No more no less. Focus on what you are doing and quit focusing on what you can't do. And try to feel good about it. What you are doing is a good thing.

Second, Stop complaining to your siblings, particularly if it is about their behavior. If it worked for you for a time, great, but that wears thin quickly. (At the same time, it might help to figure out who is receptive to occasional venting sessions and let them know that's what you're doing. Some people do very well at this, once they know that is just venting. I imagine you know who is receptive and who isn't.)

Third, When you want their help, ask for it directly. Don't expect them to read your mind - they don't have time (and you don't have time to read theirs). Be specific. "Mom needs X... on .... Y (or whatever) and I can't do it/be there/ afford it/ Can you help? Can I count on you? Depending on the situation, leave off the "I can't... part. Just politely inform them that "Mom needs X. Can you do/take care of it?"

Fourth, If you consistently don't get any help from them, then feel free to say something, if you think it will do any good. (My guess is it won't.)

Repeat above as needed. Try to remember that you are doing what you can when you can. You are not Superwoman and no one reasonably expects you to act like one, so quit demanding of yourself that you do.

[realpc]

"My children took no vow to support me, I brought them into this world and all that is owed is to them, not me."

I think in some or most traditional cultures children are considered a kind of long-term care insurance and are expected to take care of parents. I feel that some of the home care aids who help my mother come from a more or less traditional background and are astounded at how little I actually do. One of them yelled at me for not doing my "job."

I make it sound like I do so much, but it's probably much less than what is typical. I read that it's common for daughters to spend 20 hours a week helping their mothers.

I know that is possible for someone with a full time job but for me it would be hell.

I feel like I am able or willing to do much less than the average woman. I probably got used to expecting a lot from life. All the self-help books said you deserve a great life doing things you love and I fell for it. I expected life would just keep getting better as I got more financial and career stability.

Then after years of that, you find out that life can be pure obligation hell. You feel like a prisoner of war chained to a tree.

Most women probably see it as a joyful opportunity to return the love and caring they received from their parents. I am a selfish ungrateful good-for-nothing.

I like to be nice to mother in positive ways -- celebrating holidays, for example. I do not like showing my love by being a taxi service or a house maid.

So I usually get those things done by someone else if possible.

[Charlie (Colorado)]

Yes it is.

No it isn't. You may think it is --- and Gods know I sympathize, because I certainly have the same trouble myself sometimes --- but other people can't make you feel anything: you have to co-operate.

I've just been reading a book (Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach) and while its explicitly Buddhist orientation might not be everyone's kettle of tofu temple-food fake fish, she makes a really interesting point. It seems that our buddy Mr Gyatso (the Dalai Lama) was attending a conference about psychology and Buddhism; someone asked him specifically about the suffering of self-hate, or self-disgust. he said, basically, "the what? You're kidding."

The point? That sense of yourself as flawed is not necessary.

There are other people who ahve goodthoughts on this as well: Don Miguel Ruiz, in The Four Agreements talks about the need to recognize when you're listening to other people instead of paying attention to yourself. (The "agreement" here is "be impeccible in your word", and in this context he means the words you tell yourself.)

Western therapists deal with it too: Albert Ellis, in How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything: Yes Anything! and other books on Rational Emotive Therapy deals with it.

It's not impossible. It does take some practice.

[Donna B.]

To paraphrase what Charlie said in my mother's words:

"They can dangle the hook, but you don't have to bite."

[realpc]

Charlie Colorado,

We have to live in a social context. Yes I pray and meditate and self-help myself, and have all my life. I was just saying that this kind of problem is a trap where you can't escape and you can't win, no matter what.

I have not once heard any helpful advice on this, and have been talking about it on and off for years. Of course I am never sure if it's ok to talk about it because some people are so judgmental. Even if they pretend not to be, it's obvious they are.

I also have not met anyone yet whose situation is as impossible as mine. No other relatives are around, my boyfriend has his own health problems and his own elderly mother, my mother has no money, I am not done saving for retirement. And I have limited energy and need a lot of sleep, in spite of a healthy lifestyle.

And because I am female society is especially judgmental. It doesn't matter that I am not supported or helped financially by anyone. Just being female means you should be a natural caregiver.

The most typical advice is do what needs to be done so you won't feel guilty, and ignore people who judge you for not doing more. That does not help me, because I know I can't do enough to not feel guilty. I just don't feel I can do very much. I am not a caregiver. I never had children because I didn't want to. I don't want responsibility for someone's life and there are many other things I would rather do. I don't even own a plant because I don't want the responsibility. I have been like this all my life.

Taking care of a physically and mentally disabled person is the hardest job in the world. I have no talent for it, no desire for doing it. Every time I wind up doing it I feel terribly lonely and resentful, and I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I feel like this isn't me, this isn't my role in life, this is not right.

On the other hand I can't be cold and unloving and let my mother feel I don't care about her. That isn't me either. Although I actually do that a lot by sometimes letting weeks go by without seeing her. Sometimes I just deny and avoid the whole thing.

I see her a lot more than my siblings and I do a lot more. They don't feel guilty because they aren't here. Sometimes they get angry at me because I am not making their lives easy by taking care of everything. So I could end up losing all connections with my family forever because of this.

[realpc]

I want to add that if I were already retired I could imagine devoting 10 or 20 hours per week to my mother.

Then I would still have time left to be a person with friends and interests and hobbies.

But if you have a full time job and you also devote 10 or 20 hours to caregiving, you either cut way back on sleep (which I think is terrible for health in the long run) or you have to cut everything out of your life besides work and obligations.

I can't imagine doing nothing but working and caregiving. I think there are millions of women doing it, but I can't imagine it.

Of course there are also millions of people in prisons and mental hospitals and all kinds of horrible situations. But why should that make me feel better?

[realpc]

One more thing: I don't think I feel this way because I am selfish or mean. I like helping people. I just don't have domestic skills and I hate driving -- the things that caregiving mostly requires. I also have never been a health care worker. Everything I have learned how to do in my life has no value in caregiving, and everything I avoided and hate doing is required.

[karen]

Real-- i wonder how your Mom feels about all of this? Does she ~guilt you~ by expecting you to do more or is she visiblly, verbally appreciative?

We all have our strengths- and weaknesses. Play to your strengths, real. You ARE stronger than you think(echoing the grace of Donna B:0))

I think venting HERE is safe. I also wonder if maybe the ~female~ aspect is slightly outdated, now. My Mom is the saint- here generation is the care-giving gen... Mine- i really don't know yet.

{{{real}}} hugs to you, real. You are a very saavy independent woman. Let go and let God, girl. I'll be praying for you and your family.

[realpc]

Thanks Karen. Let go and let God is always the best advice in any seemingly impossible situation.