Last night J was as good as he's been for many months: lucid, standing up with new strength, transferring between bed and wheelchair without any gadgetry but the walker, aware and proud of his own progress. I too dared to stand up taller, stretch, shake out my shoulders, take a deep breath.
"You're some kind of a miracle," I said to him.
"I'm an asshole," he replied, completely in character.
This morning he came down with another of his aspiration pre-pneumonias, and tumbled all the way back to infancy.
UPDATE: Welcome, Althouse readers. And for those of you who are going "WTF," yeah, I am kicking myself for not having categories so you could get a sense of the backstory. Too little too late:
UPDATE II: A clarification I e-mailed to a reader might be helpful:
Saying "I'm an asshole" was just my husband's way of being funny and self-deprecating. It's a way he often responds to pride or praise. So he was being completely himself when he said that. Since he's suffered from some dementia as well as physical impairments (he's 79 and has a neurological illness of unknown origin), that was another good sign.
His standing again is in character.
A man who could stand up after being crushed for hours beneath rocks in a coal mine cave-in and stand up again after excruciating, bedridden weeks as doctors discussed when to cut his legs off doesn't surprise me when he stands up yet again.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
Posted by: Horace Jeffery Hodges | July 09, 2007 at 10:58 PM
Didn't see this when I looked in earlier. "You're some kind of a miracle," I said to him. Yes, he is. So are you, I think. Here's hoping this episode passes quickly.
Posted by: Randy (Internet Ronin) | July 10, 2007 at 12:02 AM
Wow, HJH. That blew me off my feet. I'm going to read it to him in the morning, at which time I expect (with a little help from an antibiotic) he'll be almost ready to do it again.
IR: if it is like past episodes, it will be over tomorrow. The hard part is talking the doctors out of making me drag him to the ER, where, the time we really had to go, because he was already really sick, we waited 15 hours. They don't want to give him the antibiotic without an x-ray, etc. But while waiting for those things he will get sicker, whereas while taking an antibiotic he will kick the bug's butt in about a day and a half.
Posted by: amba | July 10, 2007 at 01:07 AM
But while waiting for those things he will get sicker, whereas while taking an antibiotic he will kick the bug's butt in about a day and a half.
If it seems to be recurring though, you might want to consult a professional who could put him on a full course of antibiotics -- to be taken until the prescription is exhausted.
Otherwise, by self administering the antibiotics especially over a short course, you may actually be weakening his defense system and strenghtening the bug.
It reminds me of how JFK jr. died in that plane -- sometimes no matter how hard it is, you have to override your instincts on which way is "up", and trust the science behind the guidance. No matter what your eyes may tell you. Good luck in the caregiving and caring for yourself. I remember being in on a hot sunny day in a darkened bedroom, and looking out at a tree in the yard in the sunshine. It's odd how life goes on when one is winding down, and how that experience transfers to those nearby, unable to escape it's presence. It's probably why most people only choose to visit that place, not stay longer than a day or two. Sounds like you are keeping your spirits up this summer, much as you can, and trying to get out of that non-physical "place" via the Internet where other life continues to grow...
The nicest thing about your situation is, if you're up for it, you get to enjoy all the good and simple things in life now. Like eating ice cream early in the morning. Or giving little presents on any day. Why worry about long-term consequences and planning when time is short? You're good at recording here the easy fun times, it seems, recognizing them when they come and appreciating them. Makes the work and the sad moments worth it, plus you're "working through" your relationship with your loved one now, so less of that after death I bet, because you're committing a more accurate and realistic portrayal by being there. It's a blessing for you both maybe, and us too in reading just a minute bit of it. Maybe more people will be less afraid of their loved ones at deathtime, and can be there more when they're needed in ways they just don't see.
Posted by: ThinkItThroughNow... | July 10, 2007 at 08:29 AM
ThinkItThrough -- thanks much. We have managed to get a doctor's prescription each time, and although he responds right away, he has always gone on and taken the full prescription (4 a day for 10 days), to avoid exactly what you mention -- creating resistant strains. This has happened at 3- or 4-month intervals, so he hasn't been constantly or occasionally on antibiotics; it's more like "binge drinking," if you will. I think there is even a possibility that something like Lyme is behind his neurological symptoms and that the courses of antibiotics have contributed to his mysterious improvement or remission (this was supposed to be a relentlessly "progressive" disease).
And -- how did you know about that ice cream??! :)
Posted by: amba | July 10, 2007 at 09:03 AM
My husband's family is wiry, cantankerous mountain folks with shocking red hair. His grandfather, named "Commodore" [so ignorant they did not know Commodore was a title...my husband's grandfather: Commodore Vanderbilt Adams] used to torment the cat and his daughter-in-law. We often joke that he lived to be 96 just to piss everyone off.
Posted by: Ruth Anne | July 10, 2007 at 10:13 AM
That's only a shade more ignorant than the rest of us. A child would believe that, and so would anyone who lived away from a major seaport. There are weirder misconceptions on the Internet today.
Posted by: amba | July 10, 2007 at 10:27 AM
What did they call him for short?
Posted by: amba | July 10, 2007 at 10:28 AM
'Commie' or 'Commodore'. And you could always get him mad just by asking, "Grandaddy, what do you think of President Franklin Roosevelt?"
And all this is lore to me. He died before I met David. The malady lingers on...
Posted by: Ruth Anne | July 10, 2007 at 11:23 AM
Amba - This is definitely one time that I can say I know what you mean. My mom went through this with my dad. After a couple of trips to the doctor or ER, she convinced them to give an extra prescription to have on hand for the next time it happened. Like you, they (my parents) had a very good idea when it was coming on. There is no question that being able to nip episodes like this in the early stage without the trauma of spending 15 hours in ER prolonged his life. Perhaps you can convince one of his MD's to let you have a course of antibiotics on hand.
Posted by: Randy (Internet Ronin) | July 10, 2007 at 12:27 PM
When my little one had the orthopedic fixator on her leg with six big honkin' rods sticking out of it, the doctors sent her home with a standing order of antibiotics. They taught all the parents pin cleaning and how to recognize the beginning of a pin site infection. They thought it wasn't a matter of 'if' but 'when' and treated it that matter-of-factly. And so we did, too.
Posted by: Ruth Anne | July 10, 2007 at 01:27 PM
How is she doing, Ruth Anne? I haven't checked in on that subject over at your place? Better than ever, I hope.
Posted by: Randy (Internet Ronin) | July 10, 2007 at 01:52 PM
Ruth Anne -- I second IR's question. Things looked good lately. Continuing so?
IR -- what we really need is our own doctor. We need an introduction to one who's a regular person. There was a young woman who took care of J in the hospital who then agreed to be his primary-care person, but she's apparently left town. An older man who was recommended to us has moved to New York. Sometimes you can get lucky just picking a doctor at random (a couple of J's surgeons in NY even became personal friends), but you can't count on it.
Posted by: amba | July 10, 2007 at 02:18 PM
IR and Amba: She's doing very well. Her residual limb is stable, sturdy and weight-bearing and she was learning to walk on her first prosthesis...until she outgrew it. We're expecting her second one next week whereupon physical therapy will resume. She's happy, healthy, fit and freakishly strong in her upper body and right leg. All necessary, I believe.
Thank you for asking.
Posted by: Ruth Anne | July 10, 2007 at 02:58 PM
AT Gypsy Scholar, HJH suggested Jacques deserves a standing ovation.
I think you both do.
Bravo!
And best wishes . . .
Posted by: Kate Marie | July 10, 2007 at 05:28 PM
I like the double meaning of "standing ovation."
This morning I printed HJH's comment out for him in big type.
Posted by: amba | July 10, 2007 at 05:46 PM
Anne Althouse just brought me up to speed on your story. I am so sorry for the difficult times you are having. I wish you much strength and courage as you continue on.
Posted by: Viola Jaynes | July 10, 2007 at 06:42 PM
Thank you, and I'm intrigued by your URL so I'll come see.
Posted by: amba | July 10, 2007 at 08:57 PM
So he has problems swallowing? I belief there's some therapy for that. Have you been told anything about it? I speak with experience of my own. I finally stopped, but it was sure hard. It took me years and years to get the trick of not inhaling my own saliva mastered.
I hope they give you a running antibiotic prescription. If the problem's known then it's not bad practice.
Posted by: MaxedOutMama | July 11, 2007 at 04:44 PM
Thanks! Again, we need to find a doctor who'll be like a friend.
He did pass a swallow test back in December, but he does occasionally aspirate things. It's a question of whether it's worth putting yucky thickeners in all his drinks to guard against an occasional problem.
Posted by: amba | July 11, 2007 at 06:05 PM