Dream Drought

"The Lack of Dreams Is The Disappearance of The Heart." It's the title of a chapter in My Mother: Demonology, a novel by Kathy Acker (warning: this link is not for the squeamish, including me). I've never read Kathy Acker's books clear through, I just love their titles -- The Childlike Life of the Black Tarantula, Pussy, King of the Pirates. And this statement about dreams is true.

I don't dream any more. Well, no, I must dream, but I almost never remember them. I used to have a lavish, outlandish dream life, and to be cut off from that upside-down continent, that "land down under," feels like having less than half a life. Another way of putting it is that without the coded intelligence provided by dreams, I am lost. I literally don't know where I am in this journey.

Is it age? It can't be only that. Jacques is 77 and he has, and remembers, elaborate, robust dreams that make him laugh and talk in his sleep. Is it memory loss? I've got that middle-aged thing where I go into a room for something and don't remember why I'm there. So maybe my dreams are just one more thing I can't remember? Or is my memory so lousy because I've lost touch with my dreams? An article in Nature last summer suggested that "[t]he function of sleep, still something of a mystery, may be in part to consolidate new information in the memory." Dreaming sleep, and the land bridge between dreams and waking, could be a vital part of that process.

So if poor memory is the effect, and disappearance of dreams the cause (it's the "heart" that remembers, anyway, isn't it? -- to remember is to care), what causes the lack of dreams?

I have a few ideas: stress, hypervigilance, caffeine, even blogging. I now sleep lightly, hair-trigger ready to leap fully awake if Jacques needs to pee or something. I don't even like to sleep (and I used to wallow in it), because to be wrenched up out of deep sleep is so dreadful -- like being ripped away from a lover by soldiers -- that I'd rather not go there at all. And so I drink too much coffee, even before bedtime -- it doesn't keep me awake, because I'm an addict, but it probably does keep sleep shallow -- and stay up late blogging. In the morning, which used to be my favorite "dreamtime," I go from asleep to wide awake in a second, and am up, bustling around, getting medication. You have to be free to lie there for a while, in between, to see where you've just come from. Abrupt physical movement and mundane responsibility blow elusive dreams away for good. Do new mothers and overscheduled working parents and high school students lose their dreams too, because those lazy rhythms are forfeited? Is there a national dream drought?

I've heard that vitamin B6 (?) supplements can act as a sort of Viagra for dreams. I've heard that about melatonin, too, but I've also heard that you're not supposed to take it too often. The old saw of keeping a notebook and pen beside the bed is not an option. I'll have to get up before I have a chance to write anything down.

Any suggestions? I can't find my heart. I've misplaced the keys.

- amba

Comments

[Tamar]

Ah - sadly - we don't do anything with the heart except let it pump blood around. It's the brain - it's all in the brain - even symbolism about the heart comes from the brain. And the mystery of dreaming is in the brain too I would imagine.

From a psychological perspective I would venture that you are having dreams for sure - and for some reason don't want ("want" in the subconscious sense)to remember them. Sometime soon again you will remember them and know why.

A person with your "heart" and mind has definitely not lost her dreams - just the keys maybe ... for awhile ...

[amba]

I don't know, Tamar. Sometimes there's a simpler explanation than the psychoanalytic. I don't think I "want" on any level not to remember my dreams. I think it's the circumstances, and my inadequate way of coping with them. Caretakers are notorious for not taking good care of themselves.

[Tamar]

Ah - I see. Yes I agree, that is so true about caretakers not taking care of themselves. Hopefully writing about this will support your taking better care of yourself! So that you might continue to remember your dreams.

I love my dreams - even the difficult ones. They always feel like a really good detective novel to me.

[Amanda]

Amba, you're probably right about the hypervigilance. I don't remember dreams during weeks when the children are sick, or when their dad is out of town and I'm "on duty" 24-7. And I understand what you mean about missing them--it's as if you're living only on the surface, not seeing the connections and underlying patterns. But they always do come back eventually, when the season is right again ... and just think what deep and lovely ones you'll have then, with weeks of living to sort through.

[Dave Schuler]

It's possible that you're never reaching a level of sleep sufficiently deep to dream.

[Glenda]

I have a couple of suggestions for remembering dreams.

A person remembers a dream when they wake up during one. If you wake up from one in the middle of the night it fades and is usually forgotten when you fall asleep again.

Psychologists recommend keeping a notepad by your bed so if you wake up from a dream in the middle of the night, you can make a note right away and remember it in the morning. I has worked for me.

I can trigger dreams by sleeping late. I stay in a state between sleeping and waking and have short dreams during light sleep. I sometimes have vivid, meaningful dreams between 10 minute snooze alarms. Unfortunately these short dreams are usually cut off by waking, but I often get something to think about.

I believe dreams are the way my brain keeps me sane by integrating conscious and unconscious experiences and emotions. They'll take care of me just by having them whether I remember them or not. But sometimes it really helps to remember them for many reasons. If you want to remember them, I hope my suggestions help you remember lots of nice (or disturbing) dreams.

[amba]

Thank you all for your condolences and suggestions, and for sharing the sense that dreams are vitally important.

I'm beginning to have a strong suspicion that "it's the caffeine, stupid." I've discovered that if I don't drink any coffee in the evening, I sleep much more like I used to, complete with weirdly-wise dreams that I may or may not remember in detail, but at least know I am having. I guess in a few days I'll stop waking up with a headache, too!

The price of going to sleep uncaffeinated is that it is much more difficult and unpleasant to wake up quickly and completely, as I need to. So what I was doing by drinking coffee at night was adaptive to the situation, but it was making me feel like a robot with amnesia.

[Simon]

I've found that with two young kids having a variety of problems throughout the night, combined with waking earlier than I'd like, I find it difficult to keep a dream journal. Granted, I'm wrenched out of deep sleep more often than I'd like, and usually it's in the middle of a vivid dream, but I just don't have a chance to write down the images before taking care of the more immediate needs.

I also found, that rather than having a pen and paper by my bedside, I have a PDA. Frankly, I can't read my writing very well when I'm fully awake and trying to write legibly, let alone reading what I wrote in a half-awake state.

[Amin Emilio Aun Joven]

I too am not having any dreams, nor can I see my thoughts for that matter. I believe the problem is both psychological and spiritual. I will try to go a couple of days without caffine to see if that does anything.