The Power of Marriage . . . For Men

From Gruntled Center:

Choosing to live a married life with one particular woman is what makes the extraordinary change in men. Single men live the life of “options.” They have lots of choices, but many fewer accomplishments. Married men are the most productive economic group in society because they have given up the life of many options, and are living the life of their one great choice.

UPDATE: How does this relate to that?

This weekend I learned that our two close friends are getting divorced. They have a young son. [. . .]

I feel for the boy. [. . .] But dad wants to be free -- to travel, to be unshackled and to untie the weights he feels bind him to the ground. They consider their differences irreconcilable. [. . .]

Looking at my parent's era, marriage seemed like it was a more stable, enduring union. There was less divorce then. Marriage was ordained by God more than man in those days. But I also know a lot of people from that older generation [. . . and] I can see the bitterness in some of these people's eyes. Perhaps they are wondering what lives they might have had if they'd been with someone else. More of these older people maintained their vows, but in so doing they may not have been true to themselves. It's hard to say.

Among my 40ish year old friends, my wife and I have felt isolated. There are very few marriages among our friends and peers that we feel we can look up to. [. . .] We love our family life, and each other without condition. But that seems rare among our midlife friends. We feel like a little island amongst all this marital disquietude. Is this unique to my generation?

That's Marcus Cicero at Winds of Change, mourning the death of friends' marriage, and The Glittering Eye's Dave Schuler comments:

One of the differences between today and years ago is that so many people go into marriage with one foot out the door.

Comments

[KaneCitizen]

Single men live the life of “options.” They have lots of choices, but many fewer accomplishments.

OK, maybe -- But -- Assuming that single men as a whole have fewer accomplishments, is it because they do not have the women to push them towards the accomplishments, or might it be that the older a man gets, the more likely he is to have gotten married/attached, and also that the older a man gets, the more likely he is to have accomplished things (good job, adv. degree, home ownership, finishing marathon, whatever)? Accomplishment (however you define it) tends to take time, and younger men with less life experience tend to not be married (yet) and vice-versa.

Of course, feminine inspiration cannot be discounted as a factor for male accomplishment, but I think it is far from a strict cause & effect relationship.

[sleipner]

Actually I think the point of the article was not that the spouse assisted or drove accomplishment, but that the single person is too busy with things other than work, such as chasing women or men, to have the time and energy left over to reach the same level of accomplishment.

Plus, I think people in relationships, especially with children involved, have a tendency to think about and plan more for their future than those who are responsible only for themselves.

[michael reynolds]

You get married, you have kids, you stop wasting time going out or going on vacation or having sex. The kids turn out to be really noisy and spoiled and annoying and demanding, always on you, always wanting something, always something the rotten little piranhas, the little vampires.

You work just to get away from it all. Thus we have civilization. Yay.

[Gruntled]

I think it is marriage itself that makes the difference in most men, not just time. Waite and Gallagher report several relevant studies. One finding is that the more dependents a man has, the harder and more reliably he is likely to work. Another, which is on point to Kane Citizen's comment, is that if a married and a single man start the same job with the same background at the same time, a decade later (or sooner), the married man is likely to me be making more. This is because, again, he is more likely to have stayed in the job, not been sick as much, and sought more responsibility in order to bring home more for the family.

[Mark Daniels]

The underlying principle in this insight relates to more than simply marriage.

We have more choices about more aspects of our lives than we have ever had before. The problem is that this phenomenon has been accompanied by an increasingly prevalent philosophy that says every choice is morally neutral. In other words, we have a world of choices without a necessary mechanism of character to choose wisely among them.

After the first bombs were dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Einstein observed that everything about us had changed...but us.

Mark Daniels

[sporcupine]

Hey, Michael Reynolds! I think you need a hug, preferably from someone small and sticky who loves you. Kids turn out to be among the great glories and delights of our lives. Loving them gives us the strength to handle things we never dreamed possible, including long nights, some mighty early mornings, and some tough, tough days. Even then, a child's giggle and a good nap are all we need to remember that these are the best day and this is the best work of our lives. Our career accomplishments become only a means to doing that parenting well, but that's motivation as fierce or fiercer than individual survival.

[Wave Maker]

I wonder, Gruntled, if there has been any study that examines the nature of the job compared to who's working in it -- I am (beumsedly) wondering if Michael Reynolds' (tongue-in-cheek) assessment might also suggest that married men do proportionally more work travel than unmarried men (heh heh) -- A cynic once claimed to me that wives and children were the reason there are so many traveling salesmen.

[karen]

It is sad for young kids. This man believes he's gaining his freedom, but in so doing- their lives will be chained to weekends and splitting holidays and a lot less flexibility until the child is old enough to say what he wants. It effects our kids forever.

Up here, there is so much swapping in the 30something crowd and younger. We are very cautious about becoming too close w/any couple because so often; friend's covet. That's not a page in our book, thanks all the same.

Of course, in our line of work- who has any time for anything?

[gruntled]

In response to Wave Maker's question, Warren Farrell says that married men do travel more for work, because it is the path that leads to more money for the family. I talk more about his book, Why Men Earn More, here: http://gruntledcenter.blogspot.com/2005/10/why-men-earn-more.html