"I am so tired of suffering in a conventional way."

A 25-year-old American woman chooses ordination as a bhikkuni, a Zen Buddhist nun, in Korea. And blogs her determination and her fear. Amazing. Ditch the Raft.

Some part of me wants to be a bhikkuni for my own sake. I am so tired of suffering in a conventional way. I want to live a virtuous and fruitful life if only because it will cease my suffering in this very life. But there's a wider picture--there has to be. What I found during kyol che was that for every peaceful, serene moment I had, it would pass and I'd have (at best) a boring moment or (at worst) a terrible, suffering moment of confusion and despair. If I'm in this just to ease my own suffering...well, fat chance. Practice is hard and very uncomfortable. . . . Direction must be very, very clear to sustain practice for a whole lifetime, through the ups and the downs. That direction is to help others.

I look at my life, at my habits, at my past, and it's a mess. From some perspectives, I've done okay . . . From others, I'm a fuck-up: a string of exes who refuse to talk to me, emotional turmoil, enormous mistakes in political activism, and intense suffering . . . Honestly, I don't see any other way for me to overcome my habits--which is necessary to truly help others--without ordination. It's my no-choice choice.

Read her while you can -- in May she puts on robes, shaves her head . . . and stops blogging.

- amba